what do you mean it was real?

She said she wanted me to paint her dead with pomegranate seeds cascading from her mouth.
She wanted me to roll her limp body around on this sheet I got at the goodwill for $5.
She wanted it to be this amalgamation of motion paint reality life death.
I thought she really wanted me to kill her, though.
I thought it was just an act when she screamed and thrashed under my freshly-sharpened blade.
She was only my lover; we were not sisters, so when I kissed her mouth it meant nothing.
I never liked those tart seeds anyway
and I always thought her idea of art was bullshit.
I mean, I didn’t mean for her to die but I don’t honestly give a fuck.

they don’t mean anything

sometimes i get flightofideathoughtsandthey SEEM like such good ideas.
so i write them down, then i tear up the paper and laugh at myself.
because really i’m just simple and stupid without one originalcreativeintrospirationalectivemadeupbymyselfimaginative idea.
i think of things like canvases
personified kisses
sex
coffee vodka cigarettes and film
not movies but just film, raw
undeveloped with no information
the sun will shine right through it
dead
see?
i’m just boring like every other
writer-cum-artist-cum-athlete-cum-artsyassbastard.
oh wow i’m so fucking bohemian i can’t keep the minutes separated from the days.
selfish because i’m so goddamn pretty.
i think i deserve everything.

happier now.

I’m working on living up to what I’ve always believed in – one must choose happiness.

Why am I so sad?

only words.

hallowed palindromes listen eloquently
as passers-by draw near with a kind of
irritation
listening, i see.
this is not what you meant when you said
those words
freedom
fire
crosses to bear.
can you feel the knife as it penetrates?
first through skin, opening
rushing
blood
then through tissue, muscle, bone
listen
can you hear it cracking your soul wide open?
do you even know your own spirit?
does it
really
matter
no
by transcending questions we find
meaningless
like a cancer you invade
listen.
i’m not interested.

help.

I love when people trust me enough to come to me with their problems and ask me for advice (or not – I’m always open to just listen).

communicate.

It’s so fantastic being able to communicate so well with someone I’m so in love with.

funny birthday thing.

My birthday:

16 May 1988

Your date of conception was on or about 24 August 1987 which was a Monday.

You were born on a Monday
under the astrological sign Taurus.
Your Life path number is 11.

Your fortune cookie reads:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Lao Tzu

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 3 & 6.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 9.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2447297.5.
The golden number for 1988 is 13.
The epact number for 1988 is 11.
The year 1988 was a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/17/1988 and ending 2/5/1989.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Dragon.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Beaver; your plant is Wild Clover.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Epipy, the third month of the season of Shomu (Harvest).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 1 Sivan 5748.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 2 Sivan 5748.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.15.0.13 which is
12 baktun 18 katun 15 tun 0 uinal 13 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Monday, 29 Ramadan 1408 (1408-9-29).

As of 1/28/2009 11:19:36 PM EST
You are 20 years old.
You are 248 months old.
You are 1,080 weeks old.
You are 7,562 days old.
You are 181,511 hours old.
You are 10,890,679 minutes old.
You are 653,440,776 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Tori Spelling (1973) David Boreanaz (1971) Gabriela Sabatini (1970)
Tracey Gold (1969) Janet Jackson (1966) Olga Korbut (1955)
Debra Winger (1955) Pierce Brosnan (1953) Bob Edwards (1947)
Liberace (1919) Henry Fonda (1905) William Seward (1801)

Top songs of 1988
Roll with It by Steve Winwood Every Rose Has Its Thorn by Poison
One More Try by George Michael Look Away by Chicago
Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley Sweet Child O’ Mine by Guns N’ Roses
Anything for You by Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine Get Outta My Dreams, Get into My Car by Billy Ocean
Man In the Mirror by Michael Jackson The Flame by Cheap Trick

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 2.95968688845401 years old. (Life’s just a big chewy bone for you!)

Your lucky day is Friday.
Your lucky number is 6.
Your ruling planet(s) is Venus.
Your lucky dates are 6th, 15th, 24th.
Your opposition sign is Scorpio.
Your opposition number(s) is 9 & 11.

Today is not one of your lucky days!

There are 108 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 21 candles.

Those 21 candles produce 21 BTUs,
or 5,292 calories of heat (that’s only 5.2920 food Calories!) .
You can boil 2.40 US ounces of water with that many candles.

Your birthstone is Emerald

The Mystical properties of Emerald

Though not meant to replace traditional medical treatment, Emerald is used for physical and emotional healing.

Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Agate, Chrysoprase

Your birth tree is

Chestnut Tree, the Honesty

Of unusual beauty, does not want to impress, well-developed sense of justice, vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritable and sensitive in company, often due to a lack of self-confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not understood, loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner.

The moon’s phase on the day you were
born was new.

Ben’s birthday:

7 October 1989

Your date of conception was on or about 14 January 1989 which was a Saturday.

You were born on a Saturday
under the astrological sign Libra.
Your Life path number is 8.

Your fortune cookie reads:
Be mischievous and you will not be lonesome.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path number 6.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 1 & 5.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 3, 7 & 9.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2447806.5.
The golden number for 1989 is 14.
The epact number for 1989 is 22.
The year 1989 was not a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/6/1989 and ending 1/26/1990.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Snake.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Raven; your plant is Ivy.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Choiach, the fourth month of the season of Poret (Emergence – Fertile soil).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 9 Tishri 5750.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 10 Tishri 5750.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.16.8.2 which is
12 baktun 18 katun 16 tun 8 uinal 2 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Saturday, 6 Rabi’u'l-Avval 1410 (1410-3-6).

As of 1/28/2009 11:25:03 PM EST
You are 19 years old.
You are 231 months old.
You are 1,008 weeks old.
You are 7,053 days old.
You are 169,295 hours old.
You are 10,157,725 minutes old.
You are 609,463,503 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Shawn Ashmore (1979) Rachel McAdams (1976) Toni Braxton (1968)
Thom Yorke (1968) Simon Cowell (1959) Michael W. Smith (1957)
Yo-Yo Ma (1955) Vladimir Putin (1952) John Cougar Mellencamp (1951)
Bishop Desmond Tutu (1931) R.D. Laing (1927) June Allyson (1917)
Vaughn Monroe (1911) Andy Devine (1905) Niels Bohr (1885)

Top songs of 1989
Another Day In Paradise by Phil Collins Miss You Much by Janet Jackson
Straight Up by Paula Abdul Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx
Lost In Your Eyes by Debbie Gibson Like a Prayer by Madonna
We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel Two Hearts by Phil Collins
When I See You Smile by Bad English Blame It On the Rain by Milli Vanilli

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 2.76046966731898 years old. (Life’s just a big chewy bone for you!)

Your lucky day is Friday.
Your lucky number is 6.
Your ruling planet(s) is Venus.
Your lucky dates are 6th, 15th, 24th.
Your opposition sign is Aries.
Your opposition number(s) is 9.

Today is not one of your lucky days!

There are 252 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 20 candles.

Those 20 candles produce 20 BTUs,
or 5,040 calories of heat (that’s only 5.0400 food Calories!) .
You can boil 2.29 US ounces of water with that many candles.

Your birthstone is Tourmaline

The Mystical properties of Tourmaline

Pink Tourmaline promotes female balance and protection. Green Toumaline promotes male balance.

Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Opal, Jasper

Your birth tree is

Rowan, the Sensitivity

Full of charm, cheerful, gifted, without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

The moon’s phase on the day you were
born was in its first quarter.